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Corporal Maladict

HERE BE MONSTROUS REGIMENT SPOILERS

1 Info
2 History
3 Vampire Traits
4 Personality
5 The Black Ribboner
6 Other Important Things
7 Relationships
- 7.1 Canon
- 7.2 Paradisa
8 Links.

Info Edit

Name: Corporal “Maladict” Maladicta - She has two pages worth of extra names that aren’t revealed. Vampires collect names.

Sex: Female - though she mostly dresses as man, she still identifies herself as a female.

Age: Young for a vampire, meaning under a century, probably only in her fifties. Looks about 19.

Species: Vampire (Reformed) Nosferatu sanguineus

Appearance: Short, slim with black hair. As with all vampires, she’s pale, has longer canines and always looks the epitome of style.

Dress: Either her Cheesemonger’s Uniform (with the words ‘Born to Die’ scrawled on her shako) or the aristocratic clothing of a young (male) vampire. She ALWAYS has a black ribbon pinned somewhere.

Sexuality: She likes to leave you guessing. But she'll flirt with men and women alike.

Room: 605

Room appearance: Something with low ceilings and no windows. She has no bed, she sleeps hanging by her legs from the rafters.

Canon: Discworld - Specifically Monstrous Regiment.

Canon point: Towards the end of the book, as she’s stepping out of the office after the meeting with Vimes.

Arrival date: 30th August 2010

Loss: Her sword.

Journal: mal_addict Handwriting

Player: TF

Quote: “One more thought for you, if you’ve got room. I’ve only taken a pledge not to drink human blood. It doesn’t mean I can’t kick you in the fork so hard you suddenly go deaf”

History Edit

"You get taken a lot more seriously if they think you're male."

Maladict started life as Maladicta, fed up of the life of a female vampire; “acting crazy all the time, velvet dresses, under wired nightgowns, don’t even get me started on the bathing in virgin’s blood”. She disguised herself as a man - for women fighting was considered an ‘abomination’ by their rather random and strange God; Nuggan, but then so is dressing like a man, so she couldn’t really win either way - and joined the Tenth Foot Light Infantry (AKA the ‘Cheesemongers’ AKA “The In’s and Outs”) of the Borogravian army . It turned out every member of her regiment had the same cross-dressing idea of getting into the army. Oops.

She was soon promoted to Corporal, after the original ran off, and due to her upper class, “serve me now” nature. Unfortunately, the old Corporal destroyed her coffee machine. She slowly started to lose her sanity having contagious hallucinations (or Flashsides) of a war in a completely different world involving jungles and ‘flying machines’. She very almost reverted to a true vampire, endangering her regiment. Vimes dropped a sack of coffee on her, which she sucked down regardless of being unconscious. She woke up later with an intense coffee rush, but was nevertheless able to go with Polly and Jade to make a truce with the opposing army.

She managed to keep her gender a question until the end of the story, where she finally blurted it out, at which point it wasn’t really a surprise anymore. She carries a sword she can’t really use, stating it’s for the protection of others. If they a see a sword, they’re less likely to attack her and so she can avoid simply ripping their heads off. Unfortunately for her, this is her loss. Bugger.

Vampire Traits Edit

"You know how you can feel that someone's looking at you? Well it's like that, times a thousand. And it's not a...feeling. It's something I KNOW."

A note: Though all Discworld vampires are the same species, they do not share the same power and weakness set. Also Black Ribboners like Mal have weakened their more complex abilities (such as an ability to change shape – shown by Sally in Thud!) to the point where they might have lost them completely. Because you never know in Discworld if a vampire can or can’t do something until they’ve done it, I’m only going to list the abilities Mal has shown to do within the novel.

Physical attributes
Enhanced strength: Despite being ‘short and very slim’ Mal has an incredible amount of strength. She can punch people into unconsciousness with one hit, crumble walls and so on.
Enhanced speed: She’s also very, very fast. She can move like a blur.
Enhanced senses: He has a heightened sense of smell (she can even smell death) and can see in darkness. Her hearing is also extremely well honed too. Blood or not, her body is still one of a predator.
Endurance: Vampires are very hard to hurt, and even harder to kill. Even if you DO kill them, nine times out of ten they can be revived without any lasting damage.
Other: She can blend into the shadows to the point where she’s almost invisible. She also sleeps hanging upside down, and prefers it that way.

Mental attributes
Influence: She has an ability to subtly get people to do what she wants. It’s not mind control, rather a gentle influence in the direction she wants. She tends not to use it a lot, because it connects directly with feeding on humans.
Spatial awareness: Vampires have a great sense of space around them, due partly to their enhanced senses, but also because they just know if something is nearby that requires their attention. In times of stress, this can extend to ten miles out from the vampire’s body.
Side-effect: Under times of stress (in Maldict’s case, when she can’t get to coffee) vampires start to lose their mind a little. Her abilities heighten in response to the need to feed on something, especially her influential abilities and spatial awareness, which congeal together to create Flashsides. These are someone else’s flashbacks, which she’s plucked from them and taken as her own. They become very real hallucinations to her, as well as anyone who gets within a couple of feet of her. These things are contagious.

“First vill come mild delusions, I think. A psychic susceptibility to all kinds of influences from who knows vhere, and vampires can hallucinate so stronkly zat zey can be contagious. I zink zat is happening already. He vill become . . . erratic. This may last for several days. And then his conditioning vill break and he vill be, vunce again, a true vampire. No more Mr Nice Coffee Drinker Guy.”

Maladicts ‘Flashsides’ become that of the Vietnam war, making those who get close enough to her experience something like a scene from Apocalypse Now. She honestly believes this is the world they live in, and doesn’t comprehend the change in situation at all.

She took the mug from Shufti and carried it over to the vampire. As she bent down . . . the world changed.. . . whopwhopwhop . .
The sky was a haze of dust, turning the sun into a blood-red disc. For a moment Polly saw them in the sky, giant fat screws spinning in the air, hovering in the air but drifting slowly towards her—
“He’s having flashsides,” whispered Igorina, at her elbow.
“Flashsides?”
“Like . . . someone else’s flashbackth. We don’t know anything about them. They could come from anywhere. A vampire at this stage is open to all sorts of influences!”

The only way to end these Flashsides to give Maladict coffee, knock her unconscious (a temporary measure) or kill her. If untreated, she will revert and start killing people.

Personality Edit

..said Polly, who was beginning to object to Maladict’s permanent expression of effortless superiority..

Maladict, like most Discworld vampires, is always suave and has an air of knowing exactly what’s going on at any given time, even if she doesn’t. This means she tends to rub people up the wrong way, and so tends to be tolerated rather than actually befriended. She’s got a sarcastic streak she can hide incredibly well, which is a good skill in the army when you want to make a snide comment at a higher ranking officer. She has a tendency to lean on things when she’s resting, giving an overall appearance of someone for whom everything comes easy. She’s the type of person who’s so cool; you just want to smack her.

Mal is the watchful type, too. She was quick to figure out that she wasn’t the only member of the regiment who’d had the same cross-dressing idea that she had. When questioned by Polly as to why she hadn’t turned anyone in, she merely pointed out she was a vampire pretending not to be a vampire, and as such had no place in pointing fingers at anyone. Irritating and self-centred, Maladict is a huge annoyance for anyone, but you couldn’t find anyone better to be on your side in a crisis. ...So long as she gets her coffee.

The Black Ribboner Edit

pretend this is a real ribbon
Added by Todd fan

“I am a reformed vampire, which is to say, I am a bundle of suppressed instincts held together with spit and coffee. It would be wrong to say that violent, tearing carnage does not come easily to me. It’s not tearing your throats out that doesn’t come easy to me. Please don’t make it any harder.”

Maladict is a member of the Überwald League of Temperance, AKA The Black Ribboners. Vampires soon caught on that if they wanted to avoid being hunted down by mobs with burning torches and pitchforks, they had to, essentially, stop being vampires. They created the Überwald League of Temperance, for which members swore off human blood, offering support group meetings to help them through the process. Members make themselves known by the black ribbon they wear at all times.

Maladict has been a part of the League for two years, having not touched a drop of human blood in all that time. She transferred her craving for blood into a craving for coffee, which she feeds with a small portable coffee machine she keeps with her at all times. When deprived of coffee, she will have wild delusions, contagious hallucinations before finally reverting to a deadly true vampire.

Other Important Things Edit

Maladict was lounging against a tree. There was this about vampires: they could never look scruffy. Instead, they were . . . what was the word . . . déshabille. It meant untidy, but with bags and bags of style. In this case Maladict’s jacket was open and he’d stuck his packet of cigarettes in the band of his shako.

She carries with her the standard vampire revival kit in case she should ever be crumbled. This consists of a small dustpan and brush, a vial of animal blood and a card stating “Help I have crumbled and I can’t get up. Please sweep me into a heap and crush vial. I am a Black Ribboner and will not harm you. Thanking you in advance.”
Her planet is a disc, resting on the back of four giant elephants (Tubul, Jerakeen, Berilia and Great T'Phon) which in turn are standing on the shell of the Great A’Tuin, the world turtle who swims through space. This is absolutely normal to her, and she will not understand the Roundworld homes of others.
She speaks Borogravian, Morporkian and presumably some Überwaldean. Thank the Gods Paradisa has a universal language.
As well as a dependence on coffee, she also has a dependence on cigarettes, as this simulates the ‘sucking’ she’s deprived herself of.
She has with her a horsebow, a lovely weapon of seek and steel-y doom.
She now wears a coffee-bean necklace at all times, just in case.
She's a member of Peace Patrol and as such has a Peaceberry she can't actually use.
She owns a Zubat - an apology gift from Nikola - called Scallot.

Relationships Edit

"I'm a vampire officially pretending not to be one, right? I'm the last person who'll say anyone has to play the hand they were dealt."

CanonEdit

Alice “Wazzer” Goom - She joined the army because she was “sent by the Duchess”. Though the regiment thought she was crazy, it turned out she was telling the truth.

Betty “Shufti” Manickle - She joined to find the father of her unborn child. Shufti is a brilliant cook and stabilised Mal with an acorn-based coffee substitute for a little while.

Blouse' - Lieutenant of the regiment and actually a real man, albeit a useless one. He is understanding to his ‘men’ however, and when he discovers their secret stands by them.

“Carbonundrum” Jade - A troll who joined simply because she felt like it. She still needed to adopt a male alias, however. You just don’t get in Jade’s way if you still liked having bones.

“Igor” Igorina - The regiment’s medic and an Igor. She joined so she could convince other Igors to let her do surgery. Maladict trusts Igorina with her life, literally, expecting her to stake her if she becomes a danger to anyone.

Jack Jackrum - Her commanding sergeant. Jackrum acts as a mentor to all of the regiment, and is in on all their secrets but Maladict’s.

Magda “Tonker” Halter - She joined with her girlfriend, Lofty, to escape the harsh girls school in the village. All the abuse has toughened her, and she tends to act very quickly without thinking.

Polly “Oliver” “Ozzer” Perks – Maladict’s closest friend in the Regiment, and someone who can put up with Mal for more than five minutes at a time. Polly joined to find her lost brother.

Tilda “Lofty” Tewt - Escaped the girls school with her girlfriend, Tonker, says very little. She is an expert with fires, however, and can make just about anything explode with great violence.

Strappi - Nasty piece of work and Maladict’s predecessor. He destroyed her coffee machine. To say Maladict hates this man would be a grievous understatement.

ParadisaEdit

Booth – Some guy who's got an impressive military background. Pity he's not dealing with the magical castle supernatural creatures are real deal too well.

Brock – This guy’s carrying a lot of anger around on his shoulders. Still, he’s well worth having a conversation with and his opinions are not idiotic. She nearly killed him when she stopped taking coffee while influenced by Eris. He knocked her out with a coffee pot, she’s forever grateful for this.

Hard Harry/Mark – He's got quite an interesting take on the castle, and his broadcasts about events that have gone on always give her something to chuckle at. She finally worked out he and the quiet nervous guy she met in the kitchen are the same person. She’s keeping his secret safe.

Harmony – A female vampire who doesn’t follow female-vampire social norms either. Unfortunately, she’s gone the opposite way to Mal and is a little... well, girly. She signed Mal up for the bachelorette auction. Ugh.

Helen Magnus – From Nikola’s world and the woman he very obviously adores. Despite a bit of residual jealousy about this fact, Mal gets along with Helen fine. After all, they both love mocking Nikola, it should be a sport, really.

James – Interesting bloke from Nikola's world. He encouraged her to just admit her feelings to Mr. Snarkypants. YEAH THANKS FOR THAT JAMES

Kate – Sup good looking? Hell of a fighter, this one. Mal’s decided she’s sure worthwhile company. They spent the night together once, when both were rather pissed off at the world in general.

Nikola – An inventor or some sort of coil, and something to do with ‘electricity’, Mal doesn’t get it. They have epic snarkbattles, and yet he’s one of her closest friends in the castle. OH GOD SO MANY AWKWARD FEELINGS BRB

Ray – Bit of a nutter, this one. Hunts ghosts for a living back home, and keeps them in a big box-like-thing. Still, he's a sweet, gentle soul, and pleasant to hang around with. He reminds her a little of Shufti.

Sylvanas – Met her on the expedition. She seem to have quite the wise head on her shoulders, and is certainly not human. Mal just isn’t quite sure what she is just yet.

Tyki – Charmer. Still, he’s somewhat intriguing.

Vereesa – She’s in control of the army of her people, and as a woman. She seems pretty wise, for a leader.

Zelman – Another vampire, this one seems to be looking to get an award in indifference. Still, she can have an intelligent conversation with him which is a rare thing in the castle. They enjoy trying to one-up each other on annoying/humiliating the other.

Zoe – In the military. As a woman. This is pretty impressive, and Zoe is badass enough to be good company.

Zuko – Angry kid. He could really use with some inner tranquillity or other such bullcrap.

The Trolls - Though they’re very different from the trolls she knows back home, they’re still more familiar to her than anything else in this stupid world. Mal adores each and every one of them. Yes, even Karkat.

Aradia – The cool, collected one. Only had a few short conversations with this one as yet.

Eridan – The angry pompous one. He seems to think very highly of himself. Thus, he gets mocked for it.

Equius – Got some sort of anger problem? Or at least get a little obsessive over things such as class. And by little, I mean a LOT.

Gamzee – He WAS the peaceful stoner one, but he’s since left and come back a little more...unstable than before. It’s worrying.

Kanaya – The sweet meddling one. They’ve had a few pleasant conversations, and plan to grow some plantlife in the ruined remains of slenderman’s tree. She seems very interested in vampires.

Karkat – The angry, hateful one. Pushing his buttons is hilarious, she likes to time him, to see how long it takes him to explode. She pulled him out of Slenderman’s trap. He is not happy about this.

Nepeta – The adorable, loveable one. She seems to enjoy dressing like a cat? But hey, she’s really friendly.
Sollux – The kind of neurotic one. Mal really likes this kid, despite (as is the case with most trolls) his tendency to try and push her away when she shows it. They all just need hugs :/

Tavros – The shy, polite one. Wheelchair bound and Mal’s secret favourite. She looks out for him, and should anyone ever mess with him, she will gladly remove their spine for them.